PVC Twin Peaks' Journal|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in
PVC Twin Peaks' LiveJournal:
|Thursday, December 19th, 2002|
It's been decided. I've been awarded the promotion, or transfer, or whatever it should be called. The FBI has managed to sort through the paper work with amazing speed, and I'm to be in my new office in one week's time.
It is really very stressful. The only thing I am truly glad of is that, although my office will be smaller, Diane will be outside.
That means that I won't have to scribble these jottings when she's away at lunch. I'll just be able to close the door and get on with things.
It is kind of her to insist on doing all of my typing. But it does make it difficult to do my own thing.
Maybe if it wasn't for Diane, I would have written back to Audrey.
I got a vacation brochure, today. I can't even pretend to not know where she is, any more. There was a photograph of her and her father, standing outside the hotel…. Would she even remember me if I went to stay there on a hunting trip?
I went out driving again, today.
Mom thinks I've gone from bad to worse. She came to talk to me last night after dinner, asked if something was wrong. It seems that, after years of telling me I work to hard and need to get out more, she now thinks that I'm neglecting the business by going out for a couple of hours each day.
Maybe she's right, but there's just something in me - after all those years of sitting here waiting, spending weeks working on each of the letters I never send to him - that makes me want to get away from the hotel and the store.
Maybe I need a holiday. I'm not sure what'd happen here if I went away, though. I suppose that the store could run itself, at least for a couple of weeks. And the hotel might survive, if I went when it was quiet.
I can't really leave Johnny and Daddy, though. It'd be far too much work for Mom to look after them on her own, and Johnny'd be sure to cause a fuss if I missed our bedtime stories.
I think that the travel company was right: since their brochure went out, we've had a lot of bookings. There seem to be a lot of family groups coming, for the holidays. I'm glad about that, in a funny way, even though it means Johnny will get upset that I don't let him play.
I like to see the children, and the families.
Oh, god... sorry, this is pathetic. How can I be getting all tearful over something so silly?
I had made my mind up, decided to go and....
No, there's no point. I have to go and sort out the bookings.
|Friday, December 6th, 2002|
I've spoken to the Director, again. He's offered me the promotion and, as I expected, it will take me away from active duties.
It seems logical to take it. I'll be able to concentrate more on my research, and I'm not as young as I was.
When I told Diane she seemed pleased. I suppose she thinks that, if I'm here all the time, her chances will improve. I'm at a loss. I can't decide on the best method of dealing with her. This sort of thing should have been nipped in the bud a long time ago.
It's my own fault. If I hadn't been so weak and silly that time…. But I'd just left Audrey, and I needed… well, I needed something. I'm not sure whether I ever really got it from Diane, though. It seems more likely that the first letter from Audrey put me back on the right track, not fading secretarial charms.
But still, that was ten years ago. Although she tried to repeat it a few times, I always managed to resist.
I even managed to be strong when I realised that Audrey's letter was late. I remember thinking that Diane was acting strangely, about that time. I guess I was just so jumpy, waiting for the mail every day, that I thought everyone else was jumpy too.
Diane's back from lunch now, so I have to stop.
|Thursday, December 5th, 2002|
I made the effort to go down to the store today. Maybe going out to church did me some good.
It was fairly quiet when I got there, but my skin felt all prickly when people started to get all around me. Still, I picked out a few things.
Seeing the range they had made me realise that, when I ask for some clothes to be sent up, they just pick the same things every time.
I found a green and blue suit, tucked away in formal wear. I don't know if I'll ever wear it, though. When do ever need anything that fancy?
Still, I sent it off to be altered. Maybe if I go and visit…
Who am I kidding? If he wanted me, he wouldn't have had his secretary tell me to leave him alone.
I always thought he was better than that, that he'd tell me himself.
|Wednesday, December 4th, 2002|
I was called in to see the Director, today. He asked me whether I would be prepared to take on additional responsibilities, which I imagine means a more administrative role.
Once, I would have fought that every step of the way. But now, I can't stop thinking that maybe Audrey will come to find me. And I wouldn't want to be in the field when that happened. Diane would be sure to chase her away.
In fact, the way Diane's been behaving, I wouldn't be surprised if she stuck a fake wedding ring on her finger and asked who was looking for her husband!
|Tuesday, November 19th, 2002|
It's been another beautiful day, today. I was glad, because we had a guy from one of the travel companies visiting. He seemed convinced that Twin Peaks will be next year's top hunting destination - he even brought a copy of the brochure to show me.
He started to come on a bit strong after dinner, so I excused myself to go and check on Daddy and Johnny. When I got back, he'd turned his "charms" onto one of the waitresses, but I slipped my emergency "wedding" ring on, just in case.
I kept it on for the rest of the weekend, even the obligatory walk-around with Daddy the next day. I didn't like to risk him noticing that it had gone.
I suppose that I could just wear it all the time, but it would worry too much - what if a friend of Agent Cooper was here, and mentioned it to him?
No, I'd rather risk the occasional wandering hand than have that.
I suppose it's that sort of thinking that makes Mom call me paranoid, but I'd rather play it safe. I'm sure he has some reason for staying away, if I could only figure it out.
|Friday, November 15th, 2002|
I spent last night alone in the house.
I spend every night alone, but last night I couldn't stop thinking about Audrey. I suppose it's the obvious happiness in Mary's eyes, as she moves around the department, taking every opportunity to show off her engagement ring.
That girlishness reminds me of Audrey.
I read through the letters that she sent me, last night. I wish I'd written back. Maybe then, she wouldn't have stopped sending them. They'd been as regular as clockwork, every month for over two years, and then… nothing.
The scent of her perfume on the paper has almost faded to nothing, now, even though I have tried to keep them pristine.
Even though I've tried to just put the letters, and everything they represent, behind me, I still can't stop myself from taking them out to re-read.
I know every word, every pen-stroke. But I still can't put them down.
And now I just can't concentrate on the forms I need to complete.
It doesn't help that Diane has obviously decided to re-start her campaign. She's wearing another new suit, today. It was green with a blue trim. I can almost picture Audrey wearing it, which is a strange thought: I don't think I ever saw her in anything similar.
Diane just looked over-dressed.
|Wednesday, November 13th, 2002|
I went to church, on Sunday. The first time in… oh, years. It felt strange, being in the church. Being in the town even felt uncomfortable.
Maybe Mom's right when she says I've turned into some sort of recluse. I can't remember the last time I went shopping, but then I am very busy, and it's just as easy to get things sent up from the store.
I was slightly late, going to the service, and it seemed like the whole town was in there. There were no lights on in the houses, and every seat was taken.
I ended up sitting near the front, next to Donna Heywood. I didn't recognise her at first: she's gone almost totally grey and she looks so old! I suppose that she didn't have an easy few years, but that doesn't excuse her not looking after herself, now.
Mom told me later that she moved away, about five years ago, after her parents died. I guess I must have heard about it at the time.
It was a nice service, but we didn't really talk afterwards. I think that some people were going out for a drink, but I didn't really want to spend an evening sitting and talking about Laura, so I went back to the hotel.
Where I spent the evening talking about Laura - I should have realised, people from out of town were staying with us. They all seemed to be looking for Daddy, and he did come into the bar for a little while, but they all started asking him why he retired and who was in charge, now. It all got a bit much for him, and I had him taken to bed.
In a way, I can see why Daddy gets upset, talking about what happened. Even though I know that it's not really him, it still hurts when he says I shouldn't be in charge here.
It's almost like I still haven't proved myself to him. And if I don't deserve his trust, maybe I don't deserve Agent Cooper, either.
|Friday, November 8th, 2002|
Diane was being insufferable today.
I am normally a tolerant man, but she is beginning to wear on me.
Then again, perhaps I am too harsh. Maybe it's just because she is so used to knowing about all of my movements, all of my thoughts.
Now that there's something I haven't told her, it's almost like she can sense it.
But what would I say? I don't want to upset her. It's so difficult when she's unhappy with me. Anyway, even to me it sounds ludicrous: "Well, Diane, the reason I haven't asked you out for dinner, never mind asked you to be my wife, is because I'm in love with a girl I haven't seen in ten years and swore I would never lay eyes on again."
And untrue. I see her every time I close my eyes, and I promised her I would come back. I had so many grand plans, of giving her a few years to collect herself and build her own life, of buying a place to live up there…
But I've realised now that it would have been a mistake. What was the chance that she'd still remember me, after three, or five, or seven years? Even if she did, I can't be more than a vague memory of a school girl crush, by now.
I couldn't bear to have moved my whole life up there only to find her a wife and mother. My only consolation is that she will be happier without me there.
|Friday, November 1st, 2002|
Daddy was absolutely insufferable today.
I nearly screamed at him - he's a thousand times worse than I ever was for causing trouble. I suppose all those holes in coffee cups are coming back to haunt me.
Anyway - today. He decided that it would be a good idea to help out with the laundry. Doctor Lawrence always says that it's good for Daddy to still feel like he's contributing to the business.
I wouldn't have minded, but it was the clean sheets that he was "contributing" to. And I'm sure he's giving Johnny bad habits, which is a real shame. I remember how long it took us to get Johnny to the level where we could take him out in public.
Like so much else around here, both of them have gone down hill since Agent Cooper left…
No, that's not fair. It's just my life that's gotten worse since then. Everything else went bad from the day Laura died.
God, I haven't thought about Laura in years. Isn't that weird? Every year, they have their stupid memorial service in the church, but I always just… blank it out, I guess.
Maybe this year I'll go. I think it's fairly soon.
|Tuesday, October 29th, 2002|
Sometimes I feel disloyal, because I don't tell Diane everything. But then I think about how absurd that is.
I know that Diane can be very protective towards me. And I value her loyalty. But, over recent years, it has become increasingly difficult for both of us.
She can see how, around the Bureau, the close relationship between an Agent and his secretary often grows even closer with time.
Just last week, Agent Clarke proposed to Mary, and all the secretaries gathered around to admire her engagement ring.
When I walked past, having stopped in to congratulate Clarke, I could see a look of reproach in Diane's eyes.
It is very difficult, but I still don't feel able to explain to her, to tell her what happened in Twin Peaks.
|Monday, October 28th, 2002|
It's been over ten years.
Maybe he just isn't going to come back, but that doesn't stop me from hoping. It doesn't stop me from remembering him, every day.
That makes me sound crazy. A guy I haven't seen for ten years, and I'm thinking about him every day.
Even when we're short of staff, even when there's a tour party in. Even when Daddy and Johnny seem to be, I don't know, having some weird competition to see who can cause the most trouble.
I still can't stop thinking about him.